• She's just not that into you

    Posted by Charity, 6 years ago

    These are the titles that I started and then dropped.

    Dear Only Revolutions by Mark Danielewski
    Normally I find such pleasure in reading post-modern books written in a unique style. You seemed like such a great match for me when I saw you for the first time. Sure it was going to be trying having to read you eight pages from the front and then eight pages from the back. I even hunted down two bookmarks to make this relationship work. And then you threw in the random lists down your left hand margin, you were just full of surprises. Even with that new quirk I thought we could have something special. But then I realized that all of your post-modern bells and whistles were simply a ploy to hide your lack of decent writing. When will you learn that writing like kids talk isn’t cool? I couldn’t understand your lingo and couldn’t maintain interest in your story. I’m sorry but I just had to let you go. (and if I were bitter I would have written half of this letter upside down just for your amusement).

    Dear Another Faust by Daniel & Dina Nayeri
    Your profile picture was a lie. A modern retelling of the Faustian legend through the lives of teenagers with special abilities? Right, and I am a fairy tale princess. I had something special with Faust so I know when I am being lied to. I think the main issue was your bipolar nature. You can’t decide between being an intellectual title for English majors or a new teen drama romp for the Gossip Girl fans out there. In the end you are a horrible mess with a complicated plot mired in banal teenage situations. Too 90210 for the intellects, and too morally deep for Twilight readers. You need to know who you really are before anyone can love you. Please seek help soon.

    Dear Michael Buble: A Biography by Juliet Peel
    If I were writing this letter to Michael himself it would be a completely different situation. However, I cannot abide the presence of this other woman. Not because I feel threatened about our relationship (I know you are singing to me) but because her writing style makes me want to pull out my hair. Like a desperate English major she repeats the same statement over and over to make her word count without providing any additional information. How dare you become involved with such a poor writer? Dump her and I will gladly come running back to you.

    • Really?! Full sentences never killed anyone. Well, except for "off with their heads" but that's another story.

    • Oh, I have amazing powers because I most likely made a deal with the devil. Whatever shall I do with them. Oh, that boy is pretty, I think I shall steal him from his girlfriend. That's a suitable use of this ill-gotten powers right?

    • Look how pretty he is! He should just sing his own autobiography. And she should learn what the word "filler" means.

Comments on this post:
  • 6 years ago

    lol Charity! Too funny...

    report this

  • 6 years ago

    you're awesome!:P I'm feeling icky and you made me laugh, but i didn't mind it made my headache spike a little, you're that funny:D

    report this

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